The recent relationship issues between Rihanna and Chris Brown have once again brought the issue of dating violence into the public arena. The bad news is that it reminds us that this type behavior is not uncommon in relationships; the good news is that it brings forth a platform to discuss and educate. Discussion on this issue should begin early and stay late….it can occur from the earliest relationships to all ages throughout the lifespan.
The best prevention against relationship/dating violence is self-respect coupled with respecting the bodies of others. This is not about providing a “talk” or lecture; it is about creating a culture where all individuals EXPECT RESPECT and receive it.
Unfortunately girls, even young girls, are socialized to view their bodies as sexual objects and young men are socialized to view females by these standards. A grandmother recently told me that her 10-year old grandson’s one wish for his birthday was to go to “Hooter’s”. What does that say about the culture that young man is living in? Viewing girls and women by a standard of “sexy” leads to treating and valuing them as sexual objects rather than as “beings” to be respected. Young men are also socialized to be masculine and that means tough, aggressive and invulnerable. These standards – girls as provocative, sexy and vulnerable and boys as tough, aggressive and invulnerable - set the stage for girls to be dominated by boys in dating relationships. These sexual standards and images are being reinforced by media images that are targeted to younger and younger children.
What’s a parent to do?
The best way for parents to combat this issue is to begin early and if you haven’t started, it’s never too late…better late than never! And don’t just have these conversations with your daughters! Until boys as well as girls begin to respect and value girl’s self worth as measured by something more than just how “sexy” they are, our chances of shifting the paradigm to respect are minimized.
Remember, this is about creating a culture…not just “having a talk!”
Be good role models. Your children will “parrot” what they see and hear in your families, neighborhoods, and social groups.
Use current events as a way to dialogue with your children. Point out appropriate relationship interaction as well as inappropriate interaction. The Obama family is a visible family showing respectful relationship interaction among all family members.
Listen to the language on the “kids shows” your children watch. Just because a TV show is targeted toward kids, does not mean that behaviors and language is respectful. Instead of just turning a show off, point out when language or behavior is inappropriate. Explain why you prefer your child not watch it and talk about how the participants could behave or speak differently to be respectful.
Example: We don’t laugh when people get hit in the privates, because ….It’s not funny when people say things that hurt someone else’s feelings.
Talk to the parents of your children’s friends to establish a zero-tolerance for name-calling, putdowns, and aggressive behavior. Find out the accepted “norm” in your child’s playgroup, classroom or team. Are the rules of respect consistent? If not, how can parents work together to make a difference? If you are a “one man, woman or family show”, your child could be ostracized by the group. Remember, there’s strength in numbers. If your views are clearly in the minority, find another “group” where respectful views are validated.
If children grow up in a respectful environment and learn to articulate their expectation of respect, they are more likely to speak up against any for m of abuse. Help them “find their words” to stand up for themselves – both females and males will enjoy healthier relationships!
Mary H. Halter has worked in the field of youth development for over 25 years. She developed A Time To Talk curriculum with both a school and parent component. Her straight forward, no-nonsense approach is refreshing and informative. You can learn more about Mary by visiting http://healthyedudynamics.com.
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